


Unlucky Survivors, Bad Ending 1: Goodbye Japan

by Empressing



Series: Blood Reign [3]
Category: Togainu no Chi
Genre: Bad Ending, M/M, Other, Suicide, doesn't get the guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-26 12:43:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20026315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Empressing/pseuds/Empressing
Summary: A year ago I started writing unlucky survivors. In tribute to the nature of visual novels, this story also has multiple endings. This one of them that I have decided to release early. It is the ending that cuts the story off at the halfway point, so there are no spoilers. Enjoy. Barely edited.





	Unlucky Survivors, Bad Ending 1: Goodbye Japan

** Rin**

It was a hard decision to make. Nano had been so fixated on getting Akira, we had almost been at the point where we ready to do it. We had the plan and everything. I had a great vengeance speech ready, a plan that made me feel outside of my body with euphoria. Nano had just wanted to ride with Akira. His one desire was to be a real boy: something I could never give him. It didn’t stop me from feeling like a failure for being unable to perform.

I lay in my bed in my room that I share with Nano. We have a one bedroom, we cannot afford anything more because I work full time, but don’t get paid enough. He gets paid better but only works part time. I guess we’d both rather have brunch at the café on the other side on the other of town once a week than be in separate rooms. Nano sure does love that grilled fish, doesn’t he? Well maybe the word ‘love’ is a stretch. But it’s worth putting up with my restlessness for, it seems. It’s the wee hours of the morning, I should be catching up on my sleep, given it’s the weekend. I figure I can sleep until the afternoon if I want to. Nano won’t care either way. One bedroom, do we need anymore really? Nano has some window knick-knacks and a strange lamp with a shade that looks like a colorful stained-glass window. I have nice clothes and shoes. Scratch the space thing, I guess. I look wonderful in my fitted black pants.

I just can’t stop thinking about it. It has haunted me on non-work nights for the past year or so? Has it been a year? I wish Nano would tell me. I let the memory replay. Akira, you couldn’t love Nano. I tried to pulled you out of the depths of depravity I found you in. It still mystifies me what intoxicates you about my brother. No, this isn’t about Shiki, this about your love of power. When you approached me about cutting a deal in exchange for me willing giving up Nano, I made sure to rob you of one of the few things you had left: your beauty. I had already had a boiling hatred of you. I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I raised my knife and sliced your face. You screamed and your head against the wall, knocking yourself out. I then ran and locked the door. Nano and I grabbed everything we could within the span of 4 hours and went out to the nearest port. We got on the first boat to America and you never found us.

The months that followed were endearing. You pleaded on the international stage to have us found so we could be executed: “brought to justice” as you put it. You never took pictures of Nano and I; you only had artist depictions of us done from your memory. Luckily for us, both a tall white man with golden brown hair and light blue eyes, and a mixed raced Japanese man with blond hair and blue eyes do not stand out in America. We could have been anybody here. And anybody we were. Many arrests were made, none of them were us. Eventually, the other nations decided you were wasting their time. Nobody believed the grand tale you told of us. It was an impossible story, too crazy to believe. Nano was a myth that Shiki came up with due to his own delusions of grandeur. I was simply a jealous admirer who wanted to be Empress so I fucked up the face of the Emperor to try to get it and I fled when it didn’t work. Nobody was concerned about it after that, you were herded back to Japan by force. Nano and I laid low for that time, keeping ourselves average. There has been two years between us and then now.

When we first arrived to America neither of us spoke fluent English. Nano spoke broken phrases that barely got us by, he speaks English much better now. I spoke not a word and even now I don’t want to speak English. The people here can be racist and make faces at my accent. I know how to hold a conversation, but I am relieved on the rare occasion I find another Japanese speaker who is not Nano. I have to speak for my job. I work as the assistant for a local rich guy. I think he’s a perv, I’m about 25 years younger than him and an Asian blond. He devours me with his eyes every time I lean on a countertop or sit in one of the chairs in the deck above his pool: he can easily see my ass from there. He pays me not enough for being eye candy. He thinks the fact I used to be a gang leader and play in Igura makes me some type of badass. I leave out the part where I only did it because I was suicidal 17-year-old. I chose not to remember the way my heart fluttered because I wanted Akira to be mine. Most importantly I ignore how I cannot wake Nano from his nightmare. I asked my boss how he knew about the game, he knew because he had attempted to sell war bonds in Japan. It didn’t work: _“The military said they had something that was guaranteed for their victory. Obviously not since that Shiki asshole took power.” _That right there was the reason I continued to the work the guy; he actively imposes Shiki for making him look an idiot to his foreign friends. Good enough for me. 

I flip over in bed and see Nano’s back turned to me, he isn’t peacefully resting. His body is rigid: he is having a bad dream. I wonder what about, he has so many reasons to be sad. In the past I would disturb him and keep him awake with some aimless chatter for a few minutes so he could breathe it off. He’s only about 2 meters away now, but he as might as well be on the other side of the world. I reach my hand out, but it presses against imaginary glass, his ice feels almost physical to me. I am a failure. I feel my face being tense, I swallow my sadness and turn away from him. I close my eyes; I hear him quietly moan. I am fearing what may come next. It is horrible to wish he was having a nightmare about war to awash me of my own guilt? It feels like the room is too small even though it has more than enough space for two. Only his sleeping mind will allow his feelings to bubble up, a manifestation of pure sorrow. Out come his deep voice, filled with a pain the likes of which could not be rivaled by the cries of a thousand warriors seeking vengeance. Softly,

_“Akira.”_

* * *

** Akira**

I wake up everyday hoping the nightmare will be over and this scar on my face will be gone. It is useless, the moment I face the mirror each morning I see my face ruined. Rin was right to leave me alive; I deserve this. I used to be an angry, power hungry mongrel. Shiki thinks I’m too ugly to have sex with now, I can’t say disappointment fills me. He’s a terrible lover and a terrible Emperor. I heard that maybe a coup will be staged against him soon. It doesn’t matter either way to me: I will be dead.

I stand up out of bed and take a deep breath before looking at myself in the mirror. I run my hand along the scar, oh Nano, if only I weren’t such a fuck up. I brush my teeth and hair. Then I wash my face with some gently foaming face soap and pat it dry. I used to cake my face in makeup to try to hide the scar. It is useless, nobody ever sees me and I am undesirable emotionally for most people. Shiki sleeps in another room from me now, I have taken off my ring permanently in response. Shiki doesn’t know I have done so and he doesn’t care. He isn’t my husband anymore in my mind. Just some asshole who barks me around. I dress and take a deep breath. I then hear the door open and to my surprise, Shiki stands there,

“What are you doing?” He asks coldly,

“Dressing to do work.” I say dryly, fixing my closet before shutting it. He watches me carefully for a second before speaking again.

“You haven’t bothered me about sex in a while.” He speaks, I scowl in response,

“Why do you care? You don’t wanna fuck me with this scar because it makes me ugly and symbolizes my failure to please you, that I let them get away.” I snap. He huffs,

“I was angry.” What the fuck?

“What? Are you in here because you couldn’t find another lover and you think I’m a sure thing?” Shiki is weirdly calm; I think it’s because he has nothing invested in his marriage to me anymore. I was once a symbol of pleasure, of conquering and power. Now I am just a thing that floats around aimlessly to him. Sort of like an old toy. He seems to think for a moment before folding his arms.

“Why are you laying down and taking everything? You act like my brother defiled you.” He steps closer, “I am not back here because you are a sure thing, everybody is a sure thing when you have the type of power I have.” I guess he has a point,

“Then why are you back here?” I search for the exit to this conversation.

“Because your lack of concealing of your shame is promising to me. It makes me think we may have something left.” _We don’t, you robbed me of my soul. _I think of an excuse,

“I have work to do for the regime, can we please talk about our relationship after business hours?” Shiki scowls,

“Business hours for you are whatever you want them to be. Whatever I want them to be.” He seems angry, for what, I do not know. This doesn’t seem like something worth getting angry over. There is something deeper going on. I don’t care to find out, even if he would be honest with me.

“Shiki please.” He huffs and smacks me across the face. But he cannot hit me harder than Rin cutting my face open with vengeance. It is because when Rin did it was a selfless act of love, when Shiki does it, it’s to have a false sense of power. I touch my cheek and glare,

“You are being annoying.”

“I don’t care.” I try to push past him, he grabs me and I groan. Why now? Of all times. I have something important to do. But I can’t tell him that because he’ll want to know what is it.

“Why don’t you care that I want you as mine again?” He says in a tone that is both confused and angry. I let out a sigh, I am so tired of living.

“I just want to work, Shiki. I am still at service. Let me go, we can talk later.” He moods and flings me away, I catch myself on the door frame. I have to stop myself from running to my office. I just want to lock myself inside and escape it all for a few hours.

When I reach my office, I put a slip in the box mounted just outside for my lunch and dinner to be delivered to me _knock first. _I slam the door and I was happy to see the water cooler filled. I won’t have to leave for a little while at least. I pull open my drawer and pull out a bundle of letter rubber band together. They all have the same United States address on them. The really important ones I wrote in English, because I know Shiki does not speak a word but I am almost totally fluent. If he were to find these letters, he would be angry with confusion. The less important ones I scrawled in Japanese.

I did end up finding Nano and Rin on my own. After the UN told me they would not entertain me anymore. A few months later, after I accepted reality. I discovered them on accident. That million with who was trying to sell his bonds to Shiki using his manager named Rin for a translator. The translation was aggressive and cold, even for business. I had a hunch, so I found his social media and there was a picture of Rin with a clipboard and a Bluetooth. The caption read: _This hottie is in charge of my life! _He was right, Rin is a hottie. I am a world class idiot. I take off the rubber band.

None of these letters are for Rin however, they are for Nano. I have nothing left to say to Rin. But for Nano I have whatever came to my mind. I don’t know what he thinks or feels about me. I am too afraid to ask. That is the reason I am choosing to mail these in bulk, so he may plenty of me left after I am gone. I am writing one last letter today, a copy of my suicide note included. The only non-cowardly thing I’ve done this whole time: finally getting the balls to kill myself. I have dreams where I see my former self: my fluffy jacket and orange shirt, those white sneakers. I wish I was that Akira again; I wish I could go back and make different choices. I want to be a stony fighter who smacks sense into the people I care about again. I see Keisuke sometimes and think of how I never cherish anything I have ever had. I don’t know who lives in this body now, but it is surely not that Akira.

I read through 8 months of letters, one for every week, sometimes twice a week. I have borne all in these letters. I want to tell Nano everything, but today I tell him something that is true but he may never believe. Not my suicide note. Today, I will tell him about love and how his offering was one I didn’t deserve after I chose Shiki over him. It’s a love letter and apology in one. But I do not want the public to see this, so this will be sent off to reach Nano. Hopefully.

* * *

**Nano**

_“Today half of the power same sex power couple who rule over Japan is gone. The Emperor Akira was found dead in his chamber this morning, Emperor Shiki refusing anymore details.” _The fifth day of coverage of this story and I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.He is dead. Akira is dead. The other half of me is gone. I wonder what Rin is doing at work right now. I think of everything that has happened. Despite what Rin believes, I have not reverted: I have been cleansed. My neediness has been flushed from me and my ability to be romantic stripped. I do not think I can love like I loved Akira, who else could compete with our connection? I have Rin, but he is a shadow to me. I wonder if I can ever reach the other side of the mountains to meet him. Maybe one day I will find my lost tools. The door bell rings. I stand up and walk over, peeping through the hole. The postman has arrived. Why has he not just dropped the mail off in the box like usual? I open the door,

“Hello, I need a signature for this package.” He is holding a large yellow envelope, containing some type of mystery. I hope it is not a pleasure device for Rin that he has ordered from the internet. I sigh with the pen: Rin’s name as I forgot what to put for my own. He sets the packages in my arms and walks away. I slam the door, feeling irritated suddenly. Whatever is in here, it has a certain energy. I sit down on the couch and see that is it addressed from the palace to Rin. I assume it is a cover for the person’s true address: Shiki would have sent for our heads if he knew where I was. I open it with one tug of my Nicole strength. Out falls a bundle of paper tied with ribbon, hitting the coffee table with a thump. On the letters is a vile of red liquid with a label that reads:

_May you one day find a use for this to make you normal again. _

I blink and untie the ribbon, the vile rolls off with a soft clink against the coffee table. I unfold the first piece of paper; it is a letter. It begins with _NNNNNNN, _it is in Akira’s handwriting. Why he did choke on the letter N while writing? I wish I could know if he felt guilt. He sent me these before he died. I read the letter: it is about his anger over the fact that I was not mad with Rin about scarring him. The first few letters are like this. As I move down the stack, they start getting progressively sadder. Going into all the details about the demise of his marriage to Shiki. At first, he blames the scar, then he blames Rin and I. Our friendship for causing a disturbance for his piece of mind. I only half-heartily read these letters, as I do not care in general about his grievances. He took his own life like a coward; I am not going to be shouldered with the blame for his decisions. I am getting towards the bottom. I notice the clock; Rin should be home soon. My real pain is the fact that I live in the same space with the one who protected me, and yet here I am, wallowing about the memory of love I never had. I read the last few letters. The final one is the one I care the most about:

  
_Dear Nano, _

_I have nothing left to say in these letters. So, this is the final one I am writing before I take my life. I have apologized a million times over and it will never be enough. For you, I have true love and I never deserved for you to give it back to me. I wish I would have made different decisions and ended up maturing into something more. I would blame Shiki, but I am grown man at the end of the day. That is the only real growth I can see: myself finally separate from Shiki and understanding that everything is truly my fault at the end of the day. I do not blame Rin or hate him; he merely gave me a punishment I deserved. If I was good looking, he was right to rob it from me. I hope the scar on my face shattered any illusions you may have had of me. Do not watch or read the news regarding my death, for it is nothing more than a lie. A media charade. I know you are smart enough to see through it all. I would have never had wanted any of it. I hope you never grieve over me or our potential relationship; I hope you never give me another thought after these letters. That is my one wish for you. To forget me and to forgive Rin. _

_Love,_

_Akira_

I fold close the letter just as Rin walks through the door. He seems to be fried from work. I do not blame him; I need to start working full time so that we can have more money and move into a better place.

“What the fuck is that?” He says like he is confident but he is not. I miss the Rin who was brazen with me. I silently stand up, collect the letters and toss them in the trash bin. He does not question it, but I can tell he is dying to know.

“I keep no secrets from you. Just know that the past is the past and you have nothing to fear.” He gives me a puzzled look, but I feel ready to take a nap before dinner. I touch him on the shoulder and gives a look of relief. For he is free too.


End file.
